On August 11, 2020, I underwent a second ankle replacement surgery. Along with the ankle replacement was a 3D printed talus bone (the bone under your ankle), an Achilles tendon lengthening, moved my heal into position under my foot (instead of on the side of it), stem cells taken from my fibula, tightening of my ligaments on the side of my ankle and whatever else he did. Life is so much better now but this is 20 weeks later. I am walking, driving, playing golf, working out, and riding my trike.

My beloved husband, Mike, was just awesome. He cooked (incredible meals), washed, and folded clothes, helped me get ready for my showers, attached my ice water tubes to keep my foot cool, and took care of everything in the house (besides working full time) so I could just heal.

I am so grateful for him and all he did and does. I truly do not know how I would have gotten through this without his loving support. Mike is just an amazing man. The other part of our family, our Lakeland Terrier, Mac stayed by my side the entire time. He left only to go out and to eat.

Additionally, I had the support of my friends in the neighborhood even when I did not have the energy to talk to them. They were there for me. To my aunt and uncle, they were there for me every day. I appreciate and loved their encouragement. As another aside, here is a shout out to the total ankle replacement group (TAR) on Facebook. It is a caring group of people who have had, are going to have, or are thinking about an ankle replacement. They are a great example of what a Facebook group should be.

Despite everything, it was hard. I was non-weight bearing for almost 7 weeks. For most of that time, I was in a splint that had a pad that attached to an ice water machine to circulate cold water around the ankle. It kept the swelling down and the pain. I can honestly say I was not in pain as much as “annoyance” with the splint and not being able to do anything. My surgeon believes my healing was exceptionally good because of the icing. I have to say it was difficult. First the tubes to the ice machine was placed inside my knee.

I can only say, I now understand how men must feel all the time. I had that changed to the outside and it was much better, but it was annoying as well. Then came a cast for a couple of weeks. It was better than the splint only because it was more contained. After that came the boot and the “lift up” for the other foot. I just counted the days, hours, and minutes to keep sane. It was difficult.

The one thing that saved me was my knee wheeler. It enabled me to move around freely. I used it in the hospital as well, so I never needed help from the nurses.    Crutches were not an option for me.

Along the way, I just had to get out the frustration about how I felt. Below are random thoughts that came to me in the middle of the night. I wrote them down every evening (in the middle of the night) when they came into my head and am now sharing it with the world. I found it to be cathartic and am now okay to share. Perhaps it came at exceptionally low time for me. I was beyond upset being in a splint and attached to an ice machine and then the cast. It was just too much. Now, I am grateful that I kept these because I am in such a better place now. I am still amazed because this is not who I am. This was not enjoyable, but I went through it and came out better for it.

8/26/20

I want to scream.  I want to be somewhere where my foot is normal again. That I can run and bike with Mike.  I need to stay in control and not beat myself up so much.  Sometimes, I need help too.

8/27/20

I need to scream. I don’t know how to feel sorry for myself or question to bigger world, why me? Why me? My poor feet I abused with sky high heels, with as much exercise as I could do. Why me? No reason. I was just dealt a hand I never expected. I try to stay optimistic for everyone else but for me; I need to scream. 

8/28/20

I need to scream. The cover of darkness is not my friend.  I loved going to bed and relaxing from the day.  Evening and bed are no longer my haven. Night keeps me up makes me realize how mortal I am. It pushes me out of my comfort to a different time and place that is new to me.  Please come back, my friend, my sleep.  I need you to be kind. 

8/29/20

I want to scream even though today was fun. Getting into the back seat of the car for a chauffeured ride, enjoying breakfast outside, and yet tonight again the night is not my friend.  My leg is weary. It has a life of its own. I want to scream

8/30/20

It is night again.  The cover of darkness is not my choice anymore.  It is my time of hurt and despair. I feel that I just do not know how to make it through another day with my foot elevated and cooled. Day helps me see the positive things in life and then dark happens all over again.  When it does, my despair continues.

Do I regret what I wrote and how I felt? Not really but it was a low point for me. I understand being almost helpless and depending on my very special husband for things I needed to do. Being an independent person makes it difficult to accept any help. He never minded, never complained, and was only supportive and loving. That is how I got through the nights and days.

Today, it is almost 7 months past the surgery. My feet are great but my gait is so different that my IT band is very tight. Oh well. It is still so much better than before.